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Same old, same old

 Annnnnnd they’re back!

I’ve just looked back and realised its been a whole month (give or take a few days) since i have sat down to write. The reason for this is a half assed excuse, since the point was to give me something other than, but I have been back to mahi.  Not full time but I have been there 4 days a week, which is massive for me.  It feels good, being back in service makes me feel better than I could have expected.  Not quite to my full capabilities or actual role, but to be back amongst it has been a relief.  I am still struggling with pain and limitations, but just leaving the whare on a regular basis is good for me, and my ātaahua kurī (beautiful dog).

I awoke this morning at 3am, from a weirdly euphoric dream, and could not get myself back to sleep.  So I  rustled my bones and put on an audiobook to finish the chores I have been avoiding.  It’s a satisfying start to the day and gives way to do more fun shit without the guilt.  Also helped that the audiobook was Aroha by Dr Hinemoa Elder.   It’s also narrated by her and she is just the best.  As a child, I was in awe of this wahine toa, so its been awesome to connect across social media with her, read her books, listen to her words and be inspired by her journey. And it was also a fitting choice as this weekend was Matariki, which is the Māori new year, this is a time for celebration, reflection and remembrance.  It bums me out I am not as connected to my Māoritanga as I would like to be, I try more every year.  I’d love to have the freedom to hop back and forth and immerse myself regularly but I feel like I need to try a little closer to home first.

Self discipline is an issue for me when it comes to anything that doesn’t give me instant gratification.  It’s something weirdly programmed into my brain and it spreads across every aspect in my life.  If the thing doesn’t happen right now, if I don’t get the feeling i set out to achieve straight away, fuck it i wont do it then!  I don’t know if this was learnt behaviour or some kind of reaction to my environment but it’s tiresome, thats for sure.  I try to keep up a routine and the moment i miss a day, miss a milestone, my brain turns into a bratty, defiant teenage rebel, I’ve “failed”.  I guess the idea is to retrain this hiccup in my wiring but maybe its just the core of who I am as a person…

Oh well, gunna go eat, might try pop back later…or tomorrow…or like a week…

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