Chloes Chaos

 And interestingly enough, its been 2months since my last blog, though I haven’t re read it i am sure its filled with excitement and promise of my new job and my lifestyle changing…its been a busy 8 weeks. But finally I start days.  We have had some bumps in the road but we are finally here and I am so ready for it!  With the busy weeks at mahi I have even managed to maintain some form of cleanliness at home.  Daily upkeep on chores has meant this 3day weekend I just has was perfection.  I did the lawn, had a spent a day with the dog and my partner, had a little party, went to the movies (fell asleep but hey!) and suffered just enough of a hangover to almost complete my All Hallows Eve costume with some successful shopping. Life has been particularly good of late,  So again, I will try to make this a daily exercise…perhaps getting dreams down or anything else I can when I first get up, granted there will be days where i have to fly out the door having slept...

 so its been a hot minute since I have had the desire, inspiration or mindset to sit and write, I had a month or so of heavy depression weighing me down, returning to mahi wasn’t helping and everyday was feeling like a battle.  My job, sadly, has always been my source of pride and joy and despite, outwardly what seemed to be a great environment, it wasn’t.  But not to dwell, I went to my GP and she has put me on Prozac…something i have spend my life trying to avoid…and fuck it, it’s working.  Though I must say, it’s aligned with quitting the old job and walking into a new job, so perhaps a combination of circumstance and medication, either way, for the first time in a long time I feel like a weight is off my chest.  I am sleeping better, I can get up in the morning, I haven’t needed painkillers for my wrist in 3weeks and I am excited to go to mahi, I am welcomed into the environment, my co workers seem to actually like me.  I no longer feel like I am wearin...

 Annnnnnd they’re back! I’ve just looked back and realised its been a whole month (give or take a few days) since i have sat down to write. The reason for this is a half assed excuse, since the point was to give me something other than, but I have been back to mahi.  Not full time but I have been there 4 days a week, which is massive for me.  It feels good, being back in service makes me feel better than I could have expected.  Not quite to my full capabilities or actual role, but to be back amongst it has been a relief.  I am still struggling with pain and limitations, but just leaving the whare on a regular basis is good for me, and my ātaahua kurī (beautiful dog). I awoke this morning at 3am, from a weirdly euphoric dream, and could not get myself back to sleep.  So I  rustled my bones and put on an audiobook to finish the chores I have been avoiding.  It’s a satisfying start to the day and gives way to do more fun shit without the guilt. ...

 Tomorrow is my Fathers 67th birthday, I’m writing today because I may not get a chance tomorrow and it’s important for me to take a moment to celebrate my Dad.  About 8 years ago my Dad had a heart attack, he was clinically dead for 20 minutes and boy, was he pissed off that he had been brought back.  Dad claims he saw nothing on the other side, but my Aunt and I wonder if the reason he was so mad about it is that he did.  It was pretty scary and to see the parent, who was always seemingly more healthy, get struck by something potentially fatal, was hard.  I was in a weird mental space when it happened but managed to get my shit together (with the help of whanau) and get back to my home country.  I was home for 9months, I had to help convince him to pack up and sell our family home and he had to convince me not to stay. Growing up, our relationship was pretty solid, we had a couple bad patches but thats pretty normal.  My parents didn’t seperate till ...

 I did not end up back at the movies, bummer cause i would have loved it for my creative flow, but walking around the markets with what felt like thousands of people, was draining.  Good and great to be out in the sun with other humans, but so draining.   This writing thing has fallen so far off for me, I am so disappointed in myself and also in my restraint in writing out of fear who will see.  Which is the opposite of why I started this in the first place.  And going between wanting to express myself fully to the extent I can and being so concerned with how my expression affects others is adding to the disappointment.  Funniest thing is that it is all for nothing, I haven’t directed anyone here since my 1st post and thats the only time anyone has read anything, its almost embarrassing and even writing this now, I feel like the self deprecating tone is more so.  Seriously why am I like this? Through all this time off mahi, I have done nothing of ...

 And again I have fallen off with my writing… To be fair, it’s been a big week and there never seems to be enough hours in the day.  I want to to break down my weekend from last week but will need to put a few “filler episodes” in between, the great thing is that I am off to watch ‘SINNERS’ again today with a connection I made over the weekend, and we know Coogler get my creative energy fired up. I will be directing people here in the coming weeks a bit more frequently I feel i need to buffer out the posts so my big winge and cry about my trauma will be buried here amongst the fluff…hahahah just like in real life!  Back at mahi next week too so am going to have to really going to have to get my shit together.  An early morning jaunt to the West End markets is probably going to make me feel something about gentrification especially added to the pain of losing our beloved Bearded Lady this week, so no doubt, I’ll be back at it later. Until then