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And she is back…

 so its been a hot minute since I have had the desire, inspiration or mindset to sit and write, I had a month or so of heavy depression weighing me down, returning to mahi wasn’t helping and everyday was feeling like a battle.  My job, sadly, has always been my source of pride and joy and despite, outwardly what seemed to be a great environment, it wasn’t.  But not to dwell, I went to my GP and she has put me on Prozac…something i have spend my life trying to avoid…and fuck it, it’s working.  Though I must say, it’s aligned with quitting the old job and walking into a new job, so perhaps a combination of circumstance and medication, either way, for the first time in a long time I feel like a weight is off my chest.  I am sleeping better, I can get up in the morning, I haven’t needed painkillers for my wrist in 3weeks and I am excited to go to mahi, I am welcomed into the environment, my co workers seem to actually like me.  I no longer feel like I am wearin...
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Recent posts

Same old, same old

 Annnnnnd they’re back! I’ve just looked back and realised its been a whole month (give or take a few days) since i have sat down to write. The reason for this is a half assed excuse, since the point was to give me something other than, but I have been back to mahi.  Not full time but I have been there 4 days a week, which is massive for me.  It feels good, being back in service makes me feel better than I could have expected.  Not quite to my full capabilities or actual role, but to be back amongst it has been a relief.  I am still struggling with pain and limitations, but just leaving the whare on a regular basis is good for me, and my ātaahua kurī (beautiful dog). I awoke this morning at 3am, from a weirdly euphoric dream, and could not get myself back to sleep.  So I  rustled my bones and put on an audiobook to finish the chores I have been avoiding.  It’s a satisfying start to the day and gives way to do more fun shit without the guilt. ...
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Happy Birthday Dad

 Tomorrow is my Fathers 67th birthday, I’m writing today because I may not get a chance tomorrow and it’s important for me to take a moment to celebrate my Dad.  About 8 years ago my Dad had a heart attack, he was clinically dead for 20 minutes and boy, was he pissed off that he had been brought back.  Dad claims he saw nothing on the other side, but my Aunt and I wonder if the reason he was so mad about it is that he did.  It was pretty scary and to see the parent, who was always seemingly more healthy, get struck by something potentially fatal, was hard.  I was in a weird mental space when it happened but managed to get my shit together (with the help of whanau) and get back to my home country.  I was home for 9months, I had to help convince him to pack up and sell our family home and he had to convince me not to stay. Growing up, our relationship was pretty solid, we had a couple bad patches but thats pretty normal.  My parents didn’t seperate till ...
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And another wasted week

 I did not end up back at the movies, bummer cause i would have loved it for my creative flow, but walking around the markets with what felt like thousands of people, was draining.  Good and great to be out in the sun with other humans, but so draining.   This writing thing has fallen so far off for me, I am so disappointed in myself and also in my restraint in writing out of fear who will see.  Which is the opposite of why I started this in the first place.  And going between wanting to express myself fully to the extent I can and being so concerned with how my expression affects others is adding to the disappointment.  Funniest thing is that it is all for nothing, I haven’t directed anyone here since my 1st post and thats the only time anyone has read anything, its almost embarrassing and even writing this now, I feel like the self deprecating tone is more so.  Seriously why am I like this? Through all this time off mahi, I have done nothing of ...
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right back into laziness

 And again I have fallen off with my writing… To be fair, it’s been a big week and there never seems to be enough hours in the day.  I want to to break down my weekend from last week but will need to put a few “filler episodes” in between, the great thing is that I am off to watch ‘SINNERS’ again today with a connection I made over the weekend, and we know Coogler get my creative energy fired up. I will be directing people here in the coming weeks a bit more frequently I feel i need to buffer out the posts so my big winge and cry about my trauma will be buried here amongst the fluff…hahahah just like in real life!  Back at mahi next week too so am going to have to really going to have to get my shit together.  An early morning jaunt to the West End markets is probably going to make me feel something about gentrification especially added to the pain of losing our beloved Bearded Lady this week, so no doubt, I’ll be back at it later. Until then 
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Back and trying

 Yip, its me im back after my weeks hiatus, Writing is kinda like my sobriety, I have the best of intentions and really, really want to do it but there is just a part of me that cannot seem to climb the hurdle of comfortable I have lived in this past decade.  I laugh as I write this too because I am constantly annoyed at western humanity for not wanting to disrupt their comfort to make change.  It’s frustrating because I feel like, and i have had this most of my life, that I would and could do all these things if I was alone in the world.  Like real alone.  No dog, no partner, no mahi…and thats just it, when you have nothing, you will fight for any and everything.  And honestly, sometimes I really do want that. But that could be a result of feeling comfort in neglect.  Something I seem to have discovered has been a lifelong friend.  I have pondered whether or not to write about this for a bit now, another excuse for my procrastination out of fear ...
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The follow up…

  I was thinking a lot about how we lose joy so quickly in the face of things we have no control over. I am an empathetic person, my mother says it’s a “superpower”, but it’s never really served me well.    I have no power or influence over anyone or anything but myself and I try to utilise my empathy to enhance my own existence and thats it.    I see joy in others and I will try to share that feeling so that little crack of light in my life might shine in someone else’s.    When you have supersized empathy, life gets heavy and dark very quickly.   The world is kinda a shitty place at the best of times, now our news feeds are filled with images of genocide and hate, rich people debating free speech and whether or not artists have the right to criticise the poor job of governments in the face of this so obvious slaughter of people and if you turn your individual focus away for a second, you are told you don’t care.    I care, but I u...
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