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And another wasted week

 I did not end up back at the movies, bummer cause i would have loved it for my creative flow, but walking around the markets with what felt like thousands of people, was draining.  Good and great to be out in the sun with other humans, but so draining. 

 This writing thing has fallen so far off for me, I am so disappointed in myself and also in my restraint in writing out of fear who will see.  Which is the opposite of why I started this in the first place.  And going between wanting to express myself fully to the extent I can and being so concerned with how my expression affects others is adding to the disappointment.  Funniest thing is that it is all for nothing, I haven’t directed anyone here since my 1st post and thats the only time anyone has read anything, its almost embarrassing and even writing this now, I feel like the self deprecating tone is more so.  Seriously why am I like this?

Through all this time off mahi, I have done nothing of substance, no better habits, no change in who I am as a person or how I see myself, I feel a bit of a joke.  This was supposed to be an exercise in gaining something back that I lost but it seems to be serving me as only a diary of my “poor me” attitude.  I wanted this to be something more, I want for myself to be something more but am just feeling worse and worse.  Do i really need to be pharmaceutically medicated to feel better? Do I need to fill my body with boring drugs just to fucking function, or is this all going to fade away when I am back at mahi?  Something I am sitting by the phone waiting to find out.  Which to be quite frankly honest, is kinda not helping my self esteem or mood at all.  Which goes back to the whole, “my value is what I can do for others” mentality I am meant to be moving away from.  And I don’t want to bitch about that either cause through this whole situation they have been pretty good if you ignore the lack of communication-ya know, the thing that is supposed to be both sides…the amount of unread and not replied to messages is enough to make me spiral.

I’m fucking dizzy, I am super over this spiralling and I am going to go do some gardening or something

Peace 

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