Chloes Chaos

 Tomorrow is my Fathers 67th birthday, I’m writing today because I may not get a chance tomorrow and it’s important for me to take a moment to celebrate my Dad.  About 8 years ago my Dad had a heart attack, he was clinically dead for 20 minutes and boy, was he pissed off that he had been brought back.  Dad claims he saw nothing on the other side, but my Aunt and I wonder if the reason he was so mad about it is that he did.  It was pretty scary and to see the parent, who was always seemingly more healthy, get struck by something potentially fatal, was hard.  I was in a weird mental space when it happened but managed to get my shit together (with the help of whanau) and get back to my home country.  I was home for 9months, I had to help convince him to pack up and sell our family home and he had to convince me not to stay. Growing up, our relationship was pretty solid, we had a couple bad patches but thats pretty normal.  My parents didn’t seperate till ...

 I did not end up back at the movies, bummer cause i would have loved it for my creative flow, but walking around the markets with what felt like thousands of people, was draining.  Good and great to be out in the sun with other humans, but so draining.   This writing thing has fallen so far off for me, I am so disappointed in myself and also in my restraint in writing out of fear who will see.  Which is the opposite of why I started this in the first place.  And going between wanting to express myself fully to the extent I can and being so concerned with how my expression affects others is adding to the disappointment.  Funniest thing is that it is all for nothing, I haven’t directed anyone here since my 1st post and thats the only time anyone has read anything, its almost embarrassing and even writing this now, I feel like the self deprecating tone is more so.  Seriously why am I like this? Through all this time off mahi, I have done nothing of ...

 And again I have fallen off with my writing… To be fair, it’s been a big week and there never seems to be enough hours in the day.  I want to to break down my weekend from last week but will need to put a few “filler episodes” in between, the great thing is that I am off to watch ‘SINNERS’ again today with a connection I made over the weekend, and we know Coogler get my creative energy fired up. I will be directing people here in the coming weeks a bit more frequently I feel i need to buffer out the posts so my big winge and cry about my trauma will be buried here amongst the fluff…hahahah just like in real life!  Back at mahi next week too so am going to have to really going to have to get my shit together.  An early morning jaunt to the West End markets is probably going to make me feel something about gentrification especially added to the pain of losing our beloved Bearded Lady this week, so no doubt, I’ll be back at it later. Until then 

 Yip, its me im back after my weeks hiatus, Writing is kinda like my sobriety, I have the best of intentions and really, really want to do it but there is just a part of me that cannot seem to climb the hurdle of comfortable I have lived in this past decade.  I laugh as I write this too because I am constantly annoyed at western humanity for not wanting to disrupt their comfort to make change.  It’s frustrating because I feel like, and i have had this most of my life, that I would and could do all these things if I was alone in the world.  Like real alone.  No dog, no partner, no mahi…and thats just it, when you have nothing, you will fight for any and everything.  And honestly, sometimes I really do want that. But that could be a result of feeling comfort in neglect.  Something I seem to have discovered has been a lifelong friend.  I have pondered whether or not to write about this for a bit now, another excuse for my procrastination out of fear ...

  I was thinking a lot about how we lose joy so quickly in the face of things we have no control over. I am an empathetic person, my mother says it’s a “superpower”, but it’s never really served me well.    I have no power or influence over anyone or anything but myself and I try to utilise my empathy to enhance my own existence and thats it.    I see joy in others and I will try to share that feeling so that little crack of light in my life might shine in someone else’s.    When you have supersized empathy, life gets heavy and dark very quickly.   The world is kinda a shitty place at the best of times, now our news feeds are filled with images of genocide and hate, rich people debating free speech and whether or not artists have the right to criticise the poor job of governments in the face of this so obvious slaughter of people and if you turn your individual focus away for a second, you are told you don’t care.    I care, but I u...

  I started this morning with the best of intentions, but as per usual, I fell down a scroll hole. Interestingly enough, a rather “controversial” event is being held and this is what has captivated my attentions.    Now I understand, usually, why people have such issue with this display of extravagance but this is not the year to boycott the event.    And there is this part of me that wants to explain this to people who are shouting down about it, but also, is it even my place?    I have found myself in these situations a lot of late, seeing someone say or do something that is “damaging for their brand” and fighting the urge to point out how it could be deemed a bit tone deaf.    Each time, its not my place, it doesn’t even really affect me at all, but I have this gnawing urge to pull them aside and be like…really, in the current climate, do yah think this is a good thing? I understand thats a part of my privilege, I probably should point the...

 I would like to think this is me being better, it’s probably not. After my little anxiety induced freak out yesterday, my adventures in the real world fared well.  I paid some visits, did some business and even snuck in a solo drink at a bar from my old life, beautifully preserved and just what I needed.  Found out, as per usual that my fears are mostly in my head.  Everyone has shit going on and I gotta not try to let that voice inside me convince me otherwise.  The nice follow on effect from leaving the whare was when I got back, I folded laundry and cleaned the kitchen, helping to remove some of the external shit that adds to the weight on my inside. So, nothing major, nothing exciting but here is me trying to keep some momentum with the daily writing. The country votes today, I can’t sadly, but if they get this right, maybe I will actually pay the money to become a citizen…watch this space

I don’t even know how or where my ability to be so fucking useless comes from,  I think it’s been with me my entire life. Here we are another few days after my last post, disappointed again in my lack of motivation to write, my open blog spot haunting me from my iPad screen every time i sit at my cluttered desk to start my day. Even now as i write this, knowing i just need to put these books away-we have the liquor cabinet finally in position-i cant move past the mountain of other things i need to do.   Why this need to have A, B and C lined up before i start D when nothing has any actual bearing on the other to be done, I don’t know.     I get the discomfort and pain that comes with healing, but I am not going to pretend I haven’t always been like this.     And where did this stunning ability to procrastinate come from? Was it the young, hippie parents and lack of structure?     Is it some kind of genetic thing thats come down my line and i cant ...