Skip to main content

Procrastination in its purest form…

I don’t even know how or where my ability to be so fucking useless comes from, I think it’s been with me my entire life.

Here we are another few days after my last post, disappointed again in my lack of motivation to write, my open blog spot haunting me from my iPad screen every time i sit at my cluttered desk to start my day.


Even now as i write this, knowing i just need to put these books away-we have the liquor cabinet finally in position-i cant move past the mountain of other things i need to do. Why this need to have A, B and C lined up before i start D when nothing has any actual bearing on the other to be done, I don’t know.  I get the discomfort and pain that comes with healing, but I am not going to pretend I haven’t always been like this.  And where did this stunning ability to procrastinate come from? Was it the young, hippie parents and lack of structure?  Is it some kind of genetic thing thats come down my line and i cant help it?


Even now as i am sat here writing this, i have picked up my phone and done a deep dive into my superannuation…because…?  Some may say it’s ADHD, but is it?! As much as I would love to be medicated for it, I just don’t think I suffer.  This leads me to wonder too, if my depression and anxiety all just stems from my inane ability to do nothing, to put off the simplest of tasks until im under an immense amount of pressure and cracks start letting out the steam and i have to do the thing before i pop.


That’s how i am here now, as i potter around the whare, ignoring the mess, getting upset at ignored feelings, unanswered messages and the state of the planet, I am about to pop. This exercise is to help me get all this out before I try and be semi social with a bunch of people who have not replied my texts or attempted to check in on me since the last time I had to track them down to elicit some kind of communication.  All of this normally wouldn’t upset me as much but due to the fact that it’s something that we are meant to be keeping up as part of my recovery its a constant. And (again here is me trying to place blame anywhere but myself) my therapist is out of the country, so I’m left with this paranoia and feeling that no one actually gives a shit about me or my situation. 


The only plus to my downward spiral is im not dealing with it like the Me of the past…well not exactly.  Yesterday I did drop money I don’t have (or should be saving) on some gifts for myself and a brunch date with my adopted nephew, but man did it make me feel good…a little guilty but mostly good.  It’s part of my apprehension to leave the whare, like I want to shop and solo dine, I want to drink and do drugs and go to a club or industry event and get loose, I want a haircut and new clothes and like 10 tattoos….but I cant really afford to (not that its stopped me in the past) but its a part of my life that I have been missing since being so isolated.  Like being left alone would be a dream if I only had to consider myself, and oh how I would love to only have to consider myself.  I feel like I would be a better person if I were more selfish.

I have sat here for close to an hour, due to my ability to procrastinate so well, this is where I will leave todays exercise as I try to achieve some goals.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Happy Birthday Dad

 Tomorrow is my Fathers 67th birthday, I’m writing today because I may not get a chance tomorrow and it’s important for me to take a moment to celebrate my Dad.  About 8 years ago my Dad had a heart attack, he was clinically dead for 20 minutes and boy, was he pissed off that he had been brought back.  Dad claims he saw nothing on the other side, but my Aunt and I wonder if the reason he was so mad about it is that he did.  It was pretty scary and to see the parent, who was always seemingly more healthy, get struck by something potentially fatal, was hard.  I was in a weird mental space when it happened but managed to get my shit together (with the help of whanau) and get back to my home country.  I was home for 9months, I had to help convince him to pack up and sell our family home and he had to convince me not to stay. Growing up, our relationship was pretty solid, we had a couple bad patches but thats pretty normal.  My parents didn’t seperate till ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Back and trying

 Yip, its me im back after my weeks hiatus, Writing is kinda like my sobriety, I have the best of intentions and really, really want to do it but there is just a part of me that cannot seem to climb the hurdle of comfortable I have lived in this past decade.  I laugh as I write this too because I am constantly annoyed at western humanity for not wanting to disrupt their comfort to make change.  It’s frustrating because I feel like, and i have had this most of my life, that I would and could do all these things if I was alone in the world.  Like real alone.  No dog, no partner, no mahi…and thats just it, when you have nothing, you will fight for any and everything.  And honestly, sometimes I really do want that. But that could be a result of feeling comfort in neglect.  Something I seem to have discovered has been a lifelong friend.  I have pondered whether or not to write about this for a bit now, another excuse for my procrastination out of fear ...
Post a Comment
Read more

And another wasted week

 I did not end up back at the movies, bummer cause i would have loved it for my creative flow, but walking around the markets with what felt like thousands of people, was draining.  Good and great to be out in the sun with other humans, but so draining.   This writing thing has fallen so far off for me, I am so disappointed in myself and also in my restraint in writing out of fear who will see.  Which is the opposite of why I started this in the first place.  And going between wanting to express myself fully to the extent I can and being so concerned with how my expression affects others is adding to the disappointment.  Funniest thing is that it is all for nothing, I haven’t directed anyone here since my 1st post and thats the only time anyone has read anything, its almost embarrassing and even writing this now, I feel like the self deprecating tone is more so.  Seriously why am I like this? Through all this time off mahi, I have done nothing of ...
Post a Comment
Read more